Leon's English Jokes, B

Three Lessons for being successful in the workplace
(and for being successful in life in general)

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep crap, keep your mouth shut.

[Author Unknown]

Problems with Program: "Husband 1.0"

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend-5.0 to Husband-1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend-5.0.

In addition, Husband-1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance-9.9 and then installed other, undesirable programs such as NFL-5.0 and NBA-3.0.

Conversation-8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning-2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging-5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What do I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Dear Desperate:

Keep in mind, Boyfriend-5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband-1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears-6.2. Husband-1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty-3.0 and Flowers-7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy/Silence-2.5, Happyhour-7.0 or Beer-6.1. Beer-6.1 is a very bad program that will create & quote; Snoring Loudly & quote; wave files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law-1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband-1.0.

In summary, Husband-1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood-3.0 and Lingerie-5.3.

Also remember, running Nagging-5.3 too often can sometimes cause Husband-1.0 to secretly install Mistress-1.0, which would then require you to run Private Investigator-7.5 utility and possibly even Attorney-9.0, which could lead to a system wide failure and the need to reboot Husband 1.0!

Signed,

Tech Support

[Author Unknown]

Leon's Laws of Life: (So true, it's funny)

1. THE LAW OF "ARE YOU OKAY?"
If you get injured and are rolling on the ground in incredible pain, and shouting foul language (or trying not to), AND OBVIOUSLY NOT OKAY, someone will inevitably ask: "Are you okay?"

2. THE LAW OF POLISHED SHOES
The same day you polish your shoes (or have them polished), either someone will step on them or you'll accidentally step in some mud, or a car will splash dirty water all over them, etc.

3. THE LAW OF FRESHLY CLEANED/PRESSED SHIRTs
You can wear a freshly dry-cleaned and pressed shirt only once. Someone will either spill something on it, or you will stain it yourself, accidentally.

4. THE LAW OF JINX
As soon as you say, "Everything's going fine," something will happen to upset your rosy day. [The only way to prevent this from happening is to knock on wood.]

5. THE LAW OF SAVING
As soon as you save up enough money for a luxury item, something happens which necessitates you spending the exact same amount of money on something much more urgent.

6. THE LAW OF LUXURY
If by some twist of fate, you were able to spend your savings on your luxury item, the emergency financial situation will appear IMMEDIATELY afterward, when you have no money.

7. THE LAW OF LOVERS
After a long love drought, suddenly it will rain potential lovers. [And you wonder, why can't they come one at a time instead of all at once, when I can only choose one????]

8. THE LAW OF CHOOSING
Then, when you have several potential lovers to choose from, you will always choose the wrong one. [It's inevitable].

9. THE LAW OF DATING
The potential lovers that chase you are the ones you don't want. The potential lovers that you chase don't want you.

10. THE LAW OF EVERYTHING
Nothing will go the way you planned.

[by Leon]

Ad your joke here.