Humorous
 True Stories

compiled by Leon

Trying to teach my siblings something

One day, while traveling in our family car, I said, "Hey, there's a Eucalyptus Tree," to my younger siblings with me.

Then, my younger brother, who'd never heard of a Eucalyptus Tree, said, "I can't lift that tree!"

[Note: Eucalyptus sounds like: "you can lift us"]

The story happened to me (Leon)

In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards, here they are (I don't know which year these were from). The awards this year are, once again, truly classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

Just think...until these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.

5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics 
removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to 
death.

3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said "I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunate for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing his pocketknife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

(for more Darwin Awards, http://www.darwinawards.com/)

Was it the Beans?   

My 3 year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. 
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my 7 month old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No"..! 
I kept thinking, Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me. Then I said, Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident? 
Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.......SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!! While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified! 
Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked Me for the best laugh they had ever had!!! Another gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, Don't worry son, My wife accuses me of the same thing all the time.....! I've just never had the nerve to make the point like you did. 

Author Unknown, but thanks!

Washroom Story   

Leaving Montreal, I decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.

I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall............

Hi there, how is it going?

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, so finally I say:

-Not bad............

Then the voice says: So, what are you doing?

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say:

Well, I'm going back east...............

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:

Look, I'll call you back--every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!

The ayes have it.

When I was a university student, I was living in an apartment (flat) with five other guys, one of whom was blind.  One day we held an apartment meeting to decide who would do the dishes and when.  A motion was made, and seconded.  Then we put it to a vote.  Someone said, "All those in favor, say 'aye'."  Everyone said "aye" except our blind flat mate.  Someone said, "All those opposed, say 'nay'."  The blind guy said, "Nay."  Then, there was a moment of uncomfortable silence, after which the blind guy said, "Well, it looks like the ayes [eyes] have it."

[True Story which happened to me, Leon]

Clever Principal

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

The Swallows

One summer day in Mongolia, my 12-year-old son and I were walking outside.  My son noticed a lot of swallows flying around.  He said, "Dad, what are the swallows doing?"  I answered, "They're swallowing!"

[2012]

This is also a pun.  See my puns page.

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